Sheen, Stallone, Culkin Lay Wreath at Tomb of Unknown Celebrity

Apr. 26, 2011--In a moving ceremony Charlie Sheen, Sylvester Stallone and Macaulay Culkin put a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity at the opening gala for the monument outside Las Vegas.


Sheen, credited with conceiving the monument, told reporters before the ceremony that he got the idea during a late night visit to a Starbucks drive-thru.  "When I went through the Starbucks line, the barista said, 'I see dead people,' the jerk.  There have been so many false reports of my death that nobody is sure I'm alive.  Then it hit me.  What if I died and nobody believed it?  I'd fade into obscurity in a week.  I'd be an unknown celebrity."





Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity outside Las Vegas.  Ignition mechanism for intermittent flame in front. Image CC BY-SA 3.0 by Pocketchef via Wikipedia




The ceremony was not without mishap.  Sheen, limping from a near-fatal accident with a prostitute in stairwell, led the procession.   At the altar, he took a wreath of cannabis buds from his brow and placed it on the intermittent flame of the monument.  The flame, which reignites every 15 minutes, is a solemn symbol of celebrity.


Sheen was leaning toward the flame to inhale the smoke when his hair burst into flame.  Culkin immediately began to beat down the conflagration down with his bare hands, seemingly without feeling any pain.  Stallone held the crowd back, saying "Nothing here to see folks.  It's just Charlie Sheen with his hair on fire again."




Charlie Sheen Image CC BY-SA 3.0 Angela George via Wikipedia





Stallone, looking fit and tanned despite undergoing a simultaneous heart, lung and liver transplant after collapsing at the recent Dressed to Kill fashion show, later commented that the news media "treat celebrities like expendables."






Sylvester Stallone Image CC BY-SA 3.0 by Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons




When approached for comments, Culkin said nothing.  Again Stallone intervened.  "Macaulay doesn't talk anymore,"  he said.  When pressed to explain, Stallone remarked, "I don't know why Macaulay doesn't talk anymore, but Charlie thinks he's dead."




Macaulay Culkin, Image CC BY-SA 2.0 by Bob Jagendorf via Wikimedia Commons




Sheen, Stallone, Culkin Lay Wreath at Tomb of Unknown Celebrity by marqjonz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

An earlier version of this article appeared on Triond's Purple Slinky website:

http://purpleslinky.com/humor/nut-house-insider-sheen-stallone-culkin-lay-wreath-at-tomb-of-unknown-celebrity/