Nut House Insider: Lindsay Lohan is a Reptoid

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut, that held its ground.--David Icke

Dec. 9, 2011--A reptoid dissident surreptitiously photographed Lindsay Lohan at a conclave in a secret lizard city miles below Los Angeles on Tuesday, proving conclusively that Lohn is not human. Reptoid dissidents seek to overthrow the current reptoid dictator Trixikocolox, who has been romantically linked to Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan in Zeugari Swimwear

Dissidents report that Lohan, flashing her trademark green-toothed reptoid smile, joked about her nude photo on the cover of Playboy. "They Photoshopped my scales beautifully. They made me look sexy, and I'm not even a mammal."
The conclave concluded with a banquet in the Slither Room of the underground palace of Trixikocolox.  Invitation-only guests enjoyed a sumptuous meal of missing pets served by the Brotherhood of the Red Dress, a secret organization of reptilian software people revealed by alleged mammal David Icke in a recent book.

The Brotherhood of the Red Dress

Breast jokes abounded as reptoid comedians in attendance vied to poke fun at mammary-bearing humans. "Lindsay," quipped the comedian whose real name is Dave Letteropterix, "is the only actress in Hollywood who wears her silicone on the outside.


When Lohan replied to Letteropterix, a disgusted hush fell over the gathering.  She made a serious faux pas.  The squamate starlet said, "He's just jealous. He's bored with asexual reproduction and wants something strange."


According to the dissident, the ever dour Trixikocolox broke the silence. "Lindsomonox Lohox loves mammals herself--as a snack, " he remarked as he tossed a roasted kitten to the couple's beloved pet teenage human Justin.

More on Reptoids:

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Thanks to Cryptohunter who posted his reptoid artwork to Wikipedia with Gnu Free Documentation and Creative Commons licenses, to Christopher Macsurak who posted a photo of Lindsay Lohan to Flickr with a Creative Commons license, to artist Neil Hague for the "Brotherhood of the Red Dress" posted to Wikipedia with a Creative Commons license, and to AnimalPlaneTV for posting the video to YouTube.    My use of these works in no way suggests that their creators endorse me or my work.


One can't write a Triond article without mentioning Triond. I wrote this article for Purple Slinky. I wonder where they'll put this article? In Socyberty because I mention Lindsay Lohan? In Sportales because I mention David Icke? In Notecook because I mention roasted kitten?


And the answer is--


On Dec. 9, 2011, Triond published this piece on its Socyberty web site, but I got it moved to Purple Slinky (http://purpleslinky.com/humor/nut-house-insider-lindsay-lohan-is-a-reptoid/).


Looking for a great novelty gift for a reptoid?  Reptoids prefer to drink from porcelain, so consider buying this mug from Amazon.

Sheen, Stallone, Culkin Lay Wreath at Tomb of Unknown Celebrity

Apr. 26, 2011--In a moving ceremony Charlie Sheen, Sylvester Stallone and Macaulay Culkin put a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity at the opening gala for the monument outside Las Vegas.


Sheen, credited with conceiving the monument, told reporters before the ceremony that he got the idea during a late night visit to a Starbucks drive-thru.  "When I went through the Starbucks line, the barista said, 'I see dead people,' the jerk.  There have been so many false reports of my death that nobody is sure I'm alive.  Then it hit me.  What if I died and nobody believed it?  I'd fade into obscurity in a week.  I'd be an unknown celebrity."





Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity outside Las Vegas.  Ignition mechanism for intermittent flame in front. Image CC BY-SA 3.0 by Pocketchef via Wikipedia




The ceremony was not without mishap.  Sheen, limping from a near-fatal accident with a prostitute in stairwell, led the procession.   At the altar, he took a wreath of cannabis buds from his brow and placed it on the intermittent flame of the monument.  The flame, which reignites every 15 minutes, is a solemn symbol of celebrity.


Sheen was leaning toward the flame to inhale the smoke when his hair burst into flame.  Culkin immediately began to beat down the conflagration down with his bare hands, seemingly without feeling any pain.  Stallone held the crowd back, saying "Nothing here to see folks.  It's just Charlie Sheen with his hair on fire again."




Charlie Sheen Image CC BY-SA 3.0 Angela George via Wikipedia





Stallone, looking fit and tanned despite undergoing a simultaneous heart, lung and liver transplant after collapsing at the recent Dressed to Kill fashion show, later commented that the news media "treat celebrities like expendables."






Sylvester Stallone Image CC BY-SA 3.0 by Gage Skidmore via Wikimedia Commons




When approached for comments, Culkin said nothing.  Again Stallone intervened.  "Macaulay doesn't talk anymore,"  he said.  When pressed to explain, Stallone remarked, "I don't know why Macaulay doesn't talk anymore, but Charlie thinks he's dead."




Macaulay Culkin, Image CC BY-SA 2.0 by Bob Jagendorf via Wikimedia Commons




Sheen, Stallone, Culkin Lay Wreath at Tomb of Unknown Celebrity by marqjonz is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

An earlier version of this article appeared on Triond's Purple Slinky website:

http://purpleslinky.com/humor/nut-house-insider-sheen-stallone-culkin-lay-wreath-at-tomb-of-unknown-celebrity/